Sometimes when I’m hanging out with a chic, it really feels like work; while at other times, I feel like I can totally exist without having to think. I can just be. (That’s rare, though.) The ease one feels in relating to another is the essence of chemistry. Chemistry is about matched energy. It’s about the ways in which one’s ying ebs and flows with another’s yang. One’s energy is fed by their inner desires. The desire to be heard, for example, can create an energy which leads to incessant speaking or poor listening. The desire for success may create an energy that leads to overbearing’ness. To change one’s energy means that one must confront their desires. That requires some grown-up insight. People can change their energy output without changing the core of who they are, but in my experience, most people don’t really want to change. I’ve got a little bit of an actor in me (but I am not a professional actor by any means.) Acting with women requires a lot of me, though. Very often, I’m adjusting my energy to meet the energy of women. They end up thinking we have chemistry—when we absolutely do not.
But then there are those times when I do feel like I can be myself. I used to think chemistry was about shared interests. But now I think it’s so much more than that. And then I used to think that you either had chemistry with someone or you did not, but I do now believe that chemistry between two people can be improved with effort, attention, and commitment.
I’m thinking about chemistry because I spent last night with Felicia with whom I do not have good chemistry, most of the time. I met up with her about 7p and we immediately had sex. It was just as good as the last time. She works that pu**y like an accomplished porn star. But outside of the bedroom, she and I have little chemistry. Felicia talks way too much. WAY too much! She talks over me, and I often feel like she isn’t listening to me when I talk. She just loves the sound of her own voice. So I usually just let her talk, but I can’t do that forever without getting bored and frustrated. And that’s especially true after I’ve already had sex with her. Once I’ve gotten the prize, it’s harder to justify sitting through her endless banter. I decided last night that I was going to try to work with her a little bit, and I gently nudged her toward shutting her fu*king trap! To her credit, she took the hint and settled down a little. We actually ended up having a very good chat about a range of topics. It was actually kind of cool. Let’s see if it sticks…. (By the way, I did not have the courageous conversation with her yesterday because she came to my crib hot and heavy and ready to make the bed frame squeak! I had to indulge her lust and decided to hold off on the courageous conversation for now.)
I had a good session with Jessie on Friday night too. My chemistry with Jessie isn’t intended to go anywhere beyond the bedroom which is fine for me, as well. I am her “friend” whose designated job is to come through and hit it—and hit it good. I understand that and fully embrace my role. We talk for a little while afterward, but then our subjects starts to run thin—and that’s when I leave. It works for me.
Lisa thinks we have better chemistry than we do. Her energy doesn’t excite mine. She’s still holding on to past disappointments, and I can feel that she expects all men (including me) to somehow let her down. Chemistry means that each of our energies should feed the other’s. I think my energy feeds Lisa, but hers doesn’t do much for me. Then again, every once in a while, she drops the guard, and I really enjoy being with her. I always like looking at her, but I usually don’t feel stimulated mentally.
But back to last night, I have to admit that I was a bit surprised by Felicia. I realized that once she settles herself down, she can listen, and I do actually want to talk with her about real sh*t. (I am not so shallow that I won’t talk to a woman about real sh*t. I just have to feel like she will be willing and able to hear me.)
Managing chemistry with playmates is all part of the game. The shame is that most women don’t understand that they can make simple adjustments to their energy—without compromising the essence of who they are, of course—in ways that allow men to express themselves more freely and comfortably. A lot of women like me because I don’t ask them to adjust their energy, but then again, I’m not interested in a long-term commitment. Chics tell me all the time that they like me because I am so laid back and easy to be with. Too bad I’m not feeling their energy as well as they feel mine. I might have a good reason to check out of the playboy lifestyle.